Thursday, April 26, 2012

Frustration Lives Here

These last 3 weeks have been crazy!  I am honestly losing my mind.  I have cried, screamed, stomped my feet and lost sleep... Sometimes all in the same day!  I am honestly to the point where I would love to just get in my car and drive to the first city I love where no one knows me and I have no responsibilities. 

I have a had a really hard time dealing with stress ever since planning the wedding.  And then since planning the reception it has only gotten worse.  Now with not having a day off since Easter, I am a complete basket case.  My concentration is poor, I wake up in the morning feeling like I have slept for 15 min., I can't remember where I put things and I can't keep track of what day it is.

I have 2 weeks left of school this semester and I am not sure that my stress will go away after that.  I don't feel as if school is even the issue.  No surprise here, that the weight loss plan that I was following for 3 weeks is slowly going back to junk and I can't get myself to snap out of it.  I feel like shit and I already look like shit, so who cares. 

I feel as though I will never be happy again.  The last 5 months should have been the most happy ones of my life and they may have been close to the worst.  I am so angry with myself for gaining all this weight back over the last 5 years and I don't understand why it won't go away faster!  Am I going to be stuck in this fat suit forever? 

I also feel as though I have to choose between school and having a baby.  If I can't handle school and work right now without the responsibility of being a mother, how can I ever handle it?  I will be in school until May of 2016, which will put me at 35.  Not exactly prime child bearing years.  But do I even want kids?  I don't know.

What is missing in my life that is making me so unhappy?  I am cutting back on my hours at work starting June 5th, so we'll see if that helps.  I feel bad for Randall having to deal with my mood swings and inability to stay calm during almost any conversation.  He is a saint and I am the crazy lady that is one tantrum away from running away...   

Friday, April 6, 2012

Half Assing Life

Today I came to the realization that I am living my life half ass! I mean for real! Some may call it being lazy, some may think it's "giving up", but it really is just the fact that I stopped giving a fuck! (Sorry for the f-bomb if you dislike swearing, but I feel it needs it).

So this realization is sort of a process I started last weekend. My house was and is a disaster. I wanted to organize the hell out of everything, but it turned into a shopping/errand weekend and I ended up making more of a mess. Anyways, I felt like my house was a reflection of how my life is going. Messy, but manageable... I wanted to change that. But it didn't stop with my house...

All aspects of my life are messy and unorganized and you can tell by looking at them:
School - I always do the bare minimum of the work/studying and my grades reflect that
My weight - Just look at me... My weight reflects the mess of it all!
Work - I am burnt out and have stopped caring.

I don't know where to begin in caring enough to start an action plan to change...

Randall and i have started eating low carb again and I feel better, but the process seems so daunting. I have over 100lbs to goal. My grade in A & P II is terrible and I have to really buckle down to get it up where I need/want it. But how?

This weekend I am free and have zero plans, and I am so looking forward to sleeping in and being lazy at home cleaning. But starting Monday, I will work 19 days straight between actual work and clinicals at the hospital. 7am starts for 19 days!!! I am really going to need to get more sleep.


One of these days I am going to explode... I feel pulled in every direction and I can't handle it any longer. In an ideal world, I would quit my job and focus on school and my weight loss, but I don't have the luxury to do so. I have been trying to find other jobs where I could work less hours, but I can't find anything that is even close to the salary I make now and that makes it even harder to walk away from. Even though I know I should!

So anyway, I guess my blog name will be truer than I thought... I need to recreate my life and enjoy it again. Stop thinking about what I want and do what I need. I need to declutter and organize all aspects to make things easier and less complicated!