Show Me What You Got! (FXBS) - Day 1

Oh my wow, that a tough workout.  

We warmed up by doing jumping jacks some stretching.  Then got right into kickboxing moves.  Between the jabbing and crossing, I though my arms would fall off.  

I was partnered up with a "FIT" member on the bags, who is someone that has been through the program before and she was amazing!  About a half hour in and trying to keep up, I could feel myself start to want to quit and cry.  Seriously, I was on the verge of tears.  It was so hard for me to keep the pace with her, granted she says she has been doing this for a year.  How did I get this weak and pathetic?  

Once the workout was done, I was so relieved! My body was so glad to be done... and I was so sweaty and tired.  

I just hope it gets easier!

Farrell's Extreme Body Shaping... Am I Crazy?!

I have signed up for a 10 week challenge through Farrell's Extreme Body Shaping, which I will refer to as FXBS from now on. 

Basically this is a 6 days a week for 10 weeks high intenisty training in cardio kickboxing and and resistence band training alterrnating between the two every other day.  So M-W-F are kickboxing and T-TH-S are strength training.  

I am ready, but also a little nervous scared about committing to such a drastic work out regimen. 

Frustration Lives Here

These last 3 weeks have been crazy!  I am honestly losing my mind.  I have cried, screamed, stomped my feet and lost sleep... Sometimes all in the same day!  I am honestly to the point where I would love to just get in my car and drive to the first city I love where no one knows me and I have no responsibilities. 

I have a had a really hard time dealing with stress ever since planning the wedding.  And then since planning the reception it has only gotten worse.  Now with not having a day off since Easter, I am a complete basket case.  My concentration is poor, I wake up in the morning feeling like I have slept for 15 min., I can't remember where I put things and I can't keep track of what day it is.

I have 2 weeks left of school this semester and I am not sure that my stress will go away after that.  I don't feel as if school is even the issue.  No surprise here, that the weight loss plan that I was following for 3 weeks is slowly going back to junk and I can't get myself to snap out of it.  I feel like shit and I already look like shit, so who cares. 

I feel as though I will never be happy again.  The last 5 months should have been the most happy ones of my life and they may have been close to the worst.  I am so angry with myself for gaining all this weight back over the last 5 years and I don't understand why it won't go away faster!  Am I going to be stuck in this fat suit forever? 

I also feel as though I have to choose between school and having a baby.  If I can't handle school and work right now without the responsibility of being a mother, how can I ever handle it?  I will be in school until May of 2016, which will put me at 35.  Not exactly prime child bearing years.  But do I even want kids?  I don't know.

What is missing in my life that is making me so unhappy?  I am cutting back on my hours at work starting June 5th, so we'll see if that helps.  I feel bad for Randall having to deal with my mood swings and inability to stay calm during almost any conversation.  He is a saint and I am the crazy lady that is one tantrum away from running away...   

Half Assing Life

Today I came to the realization that I am living my life half ass! I mean for real! Some may call it being lazy, some may think it's "giving up", but it really is just the fact that I stopped giving a fuck! (Sorry for the f-bomb if you dislike swearing, but I feel it needs it).

So this realization is sort of a process I started last weekend. My house was and is a disaster. I wanted to organize the hell out of everything, but it turned into a shopping/errand weekend and I ended up making more of a mess. Anyways, I felt like my house was a reflection of how my life is going. Messy, but manageable... I wanted to change that. But it didn't stop with my house...

All aspects of my life are messy and unorganized and you can tell by looking at them:
School - I always do the bare minimum of the work/studying and my grades reflect that
My weight - Just look at me... My weight reflects the mess of it all!
Work - I am burnt out and have stopped caring.

I don't know where to begin in caring enough to start an action plan to change...

Randall and i have started eating low carb again and I feel better, but the process seems so daunting. I have over 100lbs to goal. My grade in A & P II is terrible and I have to really buckle down to get it up where I need/want it. But how?

This weekend I am free and have zero plans, and I am so looking forward to sleeping in and being lazy at home cleaning. But starting Monday, I will work 19 days straight between actual work and clinicals at the hospital. 7am starts for 19 days!!! I am really going to need to get more sleep.

One of these days I am going to explode... I feel pulled in every direction and I can't handle it any longer. In an ideal world, I would quit my job and focus on school and my weight loss, but I don't have the luxury to do so. I have been trying to find other jobs where I could work less hours, but I can't find anything that is even close to the salary I make now and that makes it even harder to walk away from. Even though I know I should!

So anyway, I guess my blog name will be truer than I thought... I need to recreate my life and enjoy it again. Stop thinking about what I want and do what I need. I need to declutter and organize all aspects to make things easier and less complicated!

Pepsi Next Review

We recently bought a 2Liter of the new Pepsi Next... It was $.99 and new, hard to pass up! I guess it is Pepsi's answer to Coke 10, (which I loved) and Dr. Pepper 10. It has 16 calories per serving and is flavored with both HFCS and sucralose (Splenda).

This is not for me! It tastes more like Diet Pepsi (which I hate) than regular Pepsi in my opinion. I just cannot get past the after taste! YUCK!

Pity Party... Table For 1?

Oh my god! I have been having the hardest time lately. Life has been so stressful and I can't take it anymore. I need something to change... FAST!

My number 1 stress is my job. Long story short, I am leaving in May (at the earliest) and my replacement has been training with me since the last week of October. I am now even more bored than before which causes even more immobility chained behind my desk. The replacement isn't catching on as quickly as most of us hoped, and it is frustrating and almost laughable at times. He really is a nice guy, but has ZERO gumption and self motivation. I mean, doesn't make a move unless I tell him to! I have been unhappy here for a LONG time, but just in the last month it has become almost unbearable. If I wasn't planning a wedding reception and going to be a FT student later this year, I would just quit. That is what I would like more than anything in the world... To be free of this place. I feel unappreciated, taken for granted, disliked by almost everyone here. Did you know I have gained over 100lbs since taking this position?? Isn't that NUTS?! I have been WAY more moody than normal (and I am very moody by nature already). I cry at the drop of a hat. Seriously, I cried (at work, while hiding in the warehouse) talking to a lady from OMC today about scheduling a DRs appointment to get blood work done! Who does that?! I feel crazy and out of control and guess how I "medicate" myself... FOOD!


Since being married in November, I have gained more weight... So far only 10 lbs, but it might as well be 50! I refuse to step on the scale, but I am currently wearing pants that are so tight it hurts. My stomach hangs over the top and so much that you can't even see the top of the zipper. But they are the only dress pants I can even button. How embarrassing to have to wear a hoodie to work to cover up the FAT body you have underneath! Buy more clothes right?! With what money? I cannot seem to catch up since November. Every paycheck seems to be stretched smaller and smaller. (Just like my pants!)

I have been bloated for what seems like a month straight, have heartburn everyday and let's not even discuss gas! I know I know, time to low carb, right?! That has been the plan for over a year now, why can't I stick to it?

I feel buried in stress, worry and self pity. I don't feel like life is much fun anymore. I really enjoy going to school and I am VERY hopeful for the future and what is in front of me... I just don't think I will ever see it. It all seems so daunting and most of my fears are wrapped up in not having enough $ while in school. But is that worth my happiness now? I wasn't brought up to walk out on your responsibilities and working at Northern has been a good experience overall, it's just that I have outgrown my position and it BORES me! I need to be moving and talking to people-- daily! Not chained to a desk staring at a computer screen. Which makes me feel tired and sluggish once I get home, so working out seems like a absurd idea.

I can almost see my spirit being sucked from my body, I don't enjoy my friends and family as much anymore. It all feels like drama and no one can relate to me. Randall tries to help, but how much can he do? He feels bad that I am constantly stressed and crying about my life. I feel bad, because we have only been married two months, life should be perfect right now... HA! Well maybe not perfect but at least enjoyable. When I don't feel confident and happy it's hard to pretend I am, which is hard for romance!

I know only I can make the decision on what is best for me. But I feel like all the decisions are too big and change so many things. I am scared to change jobs and make less money, but I also want to be happy and healthy.

Any thoughts? Advice? Inspiration?