Can I Really Do This?

Ok, so today is day 3 of eating low carb and so far so good. I should have drank more water and eaten a few less carbs, but I think I am doing pretty good. Let me clear one thing up quickly... I am not following Atkin's and I am for sure not following Atkin's induction. I am avoiding bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, flour & sugar. However, I will moderately eat, beans, fruits, popcorn, yogurt & drink milk. I find this so much less restrictive and I do not have the induction "flu" from eating this way. BUT, I will lose much slower, hopefully exercising will help combat that a little.


All the while I have set myself up for success, I am already worried about the future of it. Can I really do it this time? Will I finally get below 190, which seems to be my give up point? My answers are I hope so. My mind says YES YOU CAN, but my heart says I don't know. I know I can't predict the future, but I also know myself. What really triggers a cheat? Is it the actual taste of the food? The feeling the food gives me? Or is it something deeper?


What if food has nothing to do with it? What if it is all a defense mechanism? How did I lose 80lbs when I was 19? What was my mental state then, compared to now? I try to put myself into the 120lb Robyn's mind and wonder how I felt about myself then and if I was even aware of the accomplishment... How did I gain 90lbs in 5 years and why? Did I take it all for granted? Do I take everything for granted? I know I am very selfish and like to have things my way, but how does that correlate to weight gain? For someone that HAS to be in control of everything, why would I stop controlling myself?


Is it falling in love with someone that actually loves me back that trips me up? I honestly never thought I would REALLY fall in love, that is too much of myself to give away to someone. Dating is one thing, but to actually give a part of yourself to someone, would have been unheard of for me. Randall is such an amazing man and I am so truly blessed to have found him. And while I know he loves me, no matter my size, I still feel like I am jipping him a little. When we started dating I was the smallest I had ever been in my adult life and now very close to my heaviest. A small part of me still thinks that if I would have not been thin, I would have never been with him. That is a a hard statement to believe about yourself. And maybe it is true that we wouldn't have been together, but we are and he loves me fat anyway.


What if it is all just physical? What if I am so stressed out from work and school that it has sucked the motivation and drive right out of me?


I just want to figure out what the cause is so I can fix it... It is really frustrating to keep wallowing in the same regret. I always think it would be so great to just rewind life back to a thinner time and redo it, but I don't know what it was/is that made me struggle with weight again. So I would still be here, still confused and still fat. I just pray that one day I get it all figured out! And when I do, I will write a book... Just so nobody else has to peel back all of their layers to figure out the answer was there all along!

Trying to Stay Strong

I weighed myself today. OH. MY. GOD.

I am so pissed at myself! I am back to 213lbs! EWWWWWW! How did I get so nonchalant on the dieting front. I was 198 in March!

Can't rewind. Only forward progress... Here I go, watch me shrink!

OKAY OKAY OKAY!

Here we go yo! Time for another restart of Atkinsish eating! I will allow strawberries and carrots... can't live without them!

I am actually really looking forward to not feeling bloated anymore. Believe me, stuffing my face for the last three months was fun, but I need to get real!

Gonna go to bed early and get a good nights sleep to stay strong for the day! PEACE!

P.S. I am scared to step on the scale. If I go on how my clothes have been fitting lately, I have gained it all back! Ugh! I need help...

Things I HATE About Being Fat

This is going to be a work in progress. It is a reminder on why it is hard to be overweight...

1. Clothes don't look how they are supposed to
2. Back Fat
3. Jiggly Arms
4. Thighs... Need I say more
5. Dimpled butt
6. Becoming out of breath by a couple flights of stairs
7. Back sweat
8. Rolls
9. Getting dressed up
10. Trying to be sexy
11. People ignore/don't acknowledge you (happens to me ALL the time)
12. Trying to fit comfortably in tiny lecture desks at school
13. Bras SUCK!
14. Swimming suits
15. Greasy hair/skin
16. Looking in the mirror naked
17. Dancing in public
18. Always being on a diet, always failing a diet
19. Feeling like I smell bad...
20. Pictures taken of me, make me feel ugly.
21. Body doesn't match the person I feel I am inside
22. My posture is terrible
23. Checking to see if I am the biggest person in the room, everywhere I go.
24. Trying to get comfortable for sleeping.
25. Tight Pants
26. People treat you different.
27. Working out/dancing in public.
28. Shorts...
29. When you say "I'm hungry" people almost laugh.

Same Old Excuses

Guess what? I am now within 5lbs of my January starting weight. No one more disappointed than I. I am not going to kid myself and blame anyone but me. I have two weeks left of school and I am not going to concentrate on dieting or anything, but school.

After May 15th, though! ATKIN'S to the rescue! I will be reinducting Monday May 16th.

I hope you all are not losing faith in me? Have I become a broken record? If so, stick with me... I WILL prove you wrong!

Carb Addicts Links

http://howtothinkthin.com/stop-sugar-cravings.htm


http://carbohydrateaddicts.com/cadfnd.html
This link has links to quizzes to see if you are addicted to carbs also.

http://www.freefromaddictions.net/food-addiction/carbohydrate-addiction


http://www.confessionsofacarbaddict.com/


I needed some inspirational reading today! This past weeks grocery list was really cheap, but not so much low carb. One of these days it will click for me. I know I am an addicted to carbs and I know they make me fat. Why can't I seem to give them up?

I know I feel better when following a LC lifestyle, but getting back on it is tough. I don't want to feel the induction flu again, even though I know it only lasts a couple days. I love Coke, I love chips, I love pizza... But are they worth my life? NO! So why can't I stop!?

Why can other people I know eat carbs and lose weight? Especially my bf, he can literally eat anything he wants and not gain weight. Not that it's healthy, he gets bloated too after eating too much crap, but not like I do.

After last weekend and the last couple days I am afraid to step on the scale... I know I have gained. I can feel it in my clothes. I can feel it in my body. I am more sluggish than I have been in like 3 months. I feel bloated and gassy. I am a stinky fart monster and it is embarrassing.

I think it's time to really look at myself and expect a change. How many times can I restart and fail? As many as it takes I guess!

I have all the tools to be successful. I know what I need to eat. I have a home gym. I have time, even though I make a 101 excuses about why I don't. Somethings gotta give!

I only have 3 weeks left of school and then everyday this summer you better see me or hear about my workouts nearly everyday! I have to get it together and stop writing about the fails. It's not over yet... One day I hope to look back at this and be proud of the struggle that I got through.

McDonald's Is a NO-NO!

HELLLO!!!! Seems like forever since I blogged... I have been a busy lady. School, work and some family vacation time has kept me away from blogging. I had an Anatomy & Physiology lab exam on Thursday which I studied my a$$ off for and I still sucked at it! I am still holding on to a B in the class... BARELY! Thank god there is only 4 weeks left. BUT, there is still 2 lecture exams, 1 lab exam & a optional cumulative exam left. So I will be busy studying for the next 4 weeks as well! This weekend was really fun. Went to the Wisconsin Dells with my parents, my sister, brother in-law, niece and of course Randall. Wisconsin Dells, if you have never heard of it is a family adventure wonderland! All year round. They have indoor water parks, outdoor water parks, amusement parks, shopping, restaurants, attractions, a casino and it is always a good time! We left Friday afternoon and returned today. We stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge and it was A LOT of fun swimming! I love love love water slides, so I was in heaven! The only thing I feel not so great about is how full and bloated I am! UGH! We ate out everyday for breakfast and dinner. Plus we has a ton of snacks... NONE of them healthy! Which I am paying very dearly for now! And so is Randall, if you catch my drift... PUN INTENDED! LOL! To top off the weekend of course we had to continue the unhealthy eating with a McDonald's Big Mac meal for dinner! BARF!!! I feel like I have just eaten a ticking bomb where any minute I will be combusted into a million stinky pieces. I took some Pepto, so hopefully my tummy will calm down before midnight, so I can get some real sleep for work tomorrow! My goal for the week is to drink as much water as possible and to stay away from carbs! Oh yeah, and workout! I got the Turbo Fire I ordered in the mail on Thursday, so maybe I will try it tomorrow... I will let you know!